I must confess, I had given up. Not only my work but life in general. I had quit all my clients and abandoned all my apps. Cut out from the world, I barely spoke to the few friends I had left. I was in a very dark place, from where I thought there was no way out. It was only suffering in store for me, until I would eventually die. I had been ground down to gravel and dust. There was no dreams left, no hope only darkness. 

For how long could I hold on?

But life is wonderful, and it had a surprise for me. That no matter how long it’s gone, how wrong you’ve been, how many mistakes you’ve made - it is never too late to turn around. To start fighting for yourself, and for your life. I feel almost religious when I think about the enormous difference it is now from then. She came to me like an angel lighting up the world and showing me home. She made me see I have a worth. Reminding me of what is meaningful in life. She taught me what true love is. It is nothing like they tell you. It is worth all the struggles.

Now there are possibilities instead of obstacles. Life truly is wonderful when you find it. It took 43 years for me to realise what life could be, and since I never gave up I was rewarded with more I could imagine even in my wildest dreams. Perhaps that was the reason I didn’t fight hard enough, since I didn’t think this was possible. If my younger self could read this, or if you are struggling in a similar way: Don’t accept a bad situation, life can turn around in a second. Only surround yourself with people who care about you, find new ones or focus on the good ones. Just leave the others behind, don’t spend time thinking about them or try to get them to ask for forgiveness or do whatever it is that you want them to do. Focus on yourself instead and walk your own path. But most of all, never give up. It will all be worth it, in the end. True love will find you in the end and you will know just who's your friend. Everything else will sort itself out.

Now we have been married for 2 years, it has been a dream come true. Whatever happens now, I will die a happy man.